


Lighter Than Air

by Cisne



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Eating Disorders, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:55:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25075723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cisne/pseuds/Cisne
Summary: Wooyoung is not having a good time, San helps.
Relationships: Choi San/Jung Wooyoung
Comments: 6
Kudos: 33





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> TW for eating disorders, this draws from personal experience. So if you need help, please reach out. Also I am not a writer, so please be take that into account lol. I have no idea when updates will come.

Wooyoung squatted in front of his toilet, tears streaming down his face. A string of spit connecting his lips with the vomit sitting in the bowl. He had gone out with his friends to his favorite restaurant in order to celebrate, Hongjoong had gotten the prestigious internship that he had worked so hard for. So, there was no backing out, no avoiding the meal. Despite the anxiety that he had felt since they made the plans, he thought that dinner might even be a good idea. San had been asking him recently if he had been eating well, and Wooyoung had thought that maybe this would placate him for now. But all those thoughts were gone now, and he felt only panic. He had eaten so much, he couldn’t resist, the meat had smelled so good, and it had been so long since he had eaten a full meal. The guilt set in shortly after they finished eating and he quickly bid everyone goodbye before rushing home, his friends had protested of course, citing their plans to go to a karaoke bar. But he couldn’t stay, he had to get the food out. After flushing the toilet, Wooyoung rose to rinse mouth out and caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. He looked terrible, with a red face, stretched lips, and bloodshot eyes with eyelashes clumped together with tears. He always cried when he made himself throw up.  
*  
His problems with food started with a new year’s resolution, he had simply wanted to lose a little weight. He knew he wasn’t exactly overweight, but he had some pudge and he wanted it gone. So, he started counting calories. It was easy, all he had to do was maintain a certain number of calories and the pounds would slip away. At first it went great, he would go to the gym with San several times a week and he quickly began to see results. But it wasn’t enough, and soon enough the number of calories he was allowed went down and the number of times he went to the gym went up. But it was fine, he was fine, this was only temporary and as soon as he reached his goal weight he could go back to normal.  
*  
He reached his goal weight; it was not enough.  
*  
He began to have symptoms. He wasn’t sleeping well, he was always cold and felt irritated almost all the time, he was so tired, and worst of all, whenever he stood he was hit with a wave of dizziness and his vision momentarily went black. But on the bright side, he never felt hungry anymore. It took him a while to put them together, maybe he was in denial. No one wants to accept that they have an eating disorder.  
*  
He got coffee with San, black, of course, there was no calories in black coffee. San had looked at him funny when he ordered, and with a confused smile he said, “What happened to a frappe?” After a panicked second, Wooyoung retorted, “I thought I’d try something new.” San just raised his eyebrows before shrugging and ordering his iced americano. Wooyoung couldn’t help the butterflies that fluttered in his stomach, San had remembered his order. Over the past two years, their friendship had developed into something different, at least for Wooyoung. He couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment, but somewhere along the way he had developed feelings for his best friend. At first, he had hoped his feelings would go away, it was only a crush after all, but they had only grown with time. Unfortunately, he had no hope. San was so amazing, he was kind, hard-working, and he always put others before himself. Not to mention he was absolutely beautiful. Wooyoung would never be good enough.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tw for eating disorders and calories. Wooyoung passes out.

Wooyoung had never met anyone quite as passionate about dance as Yunho. They’d met their freshman year at try outs for the dance team. It was impossible to not like him, as he had such an infectious personality. And apparently the feeling was mutual as they quickly became friends, as well as fellow members of the dance team.   
They were currently taking a break from their extra dance practice, not that they needed it, it was just for fun. Plus, the added bonus of the many calories they were burning.   
After a few minutes of resting Yunho got up “ Come on,” he said “let’s get back to it”   
As Wooyoung stood up the world began to go black around the edges and he felt his legs give out.   
As he came to, his first thought was “fuck.” he’d passed out once before but that was in his room by himself. This was in front of someone, in front of his friend. He opened his eyes to Yunho leaning over him with a panicked expression on his face.  
“Wooyoung, are you okay?” He asked, concern evident in his voice. “Don’t get up just yet.”  
Wooyoung ignored him and sat up anyway.   
“I’m guessing I passed out” he says   
“Um yeah” Yunho answers, “you were only out for a few seconds but what the fuck dude. Are you okay? What’s wrong?”  
“I’m fine, don’t worry, I don’t know what happened” wooyoung lied.   
Yunho looked at him skeptically   
“Maybe we should get you to the health center.”  
“No! I’m okay I promise. I feel fine now, I swear! And Please don’t tell anyone, especially San, he’ll overreact and you know it. I just haven’t eaten, or drank, much today. I swear I’m fine.”   
Yunho worked his jaw, he seemed to be mulling it over. Finally he seemed to come to a conclusion   
“I won’t tell, but on one condition, you go get lunch with me at the union and have a proper meal.”  
Wooyoung felt his anxiety spike, he had 500 calories daily, and he’d already eaten 80. Anything at the union was guaranteed to be full of calories. Still he found himself agreeing, the only other option was Yunho pestering him. Or even worse, telling San.   
Yunhos shoulders relaxed and his lips curled up, “Good, I know we’re sweaty, but I’m starving.”  
As they packed up their things he continued to talk, but Wooyoung wasn’t listening. His mind was racing on what his options were, there were several places he could go, and he didn’t like the idea of any of them. The falafel place seemed like the best option but only without the taziki sauce. Maybe he could sneak off to the restroom, but no he couldn’t risk it.   
He got the falafel wrap, no sauce, in total with the falafel, pita, and veggies, it had to be at least 450 calories . He’d have to make up for it by not eating tonight, or his rice cake tomorrow morning. Caught up in his thoughts, wooyoung didn’t notice Yunho had stopped talking and was watching him carefully.  
“What are you thinking about?”  
Wooyoung startled, then shrugged   
“Nothing in particular, just about a a paper that I’m working on later. I’m going to meet San at the library at like 7.”  
Yunho raised his eyebrows with a half smile   
“San huh? When are you finally going to tell him that you like him?”   
Wooyoung felt his face heat up and picked at his wrap.   
“I have no idea what you’re talking about. Listen,” Wooyoung continued “I gotta go or else I’ll be late to meet San”   
He got up and threw away the rest of his wrap, not noticing Yunho’s frown.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wooyoung experiences the consequences of his “diet.” And it all starts to come out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw for eating disorders. This is somewhat based on personal experiences, so if you need help please reach out. Also, I’m not a writer to please be easy.

Wooyoung was scared. The symptoms were beginning to get worse. His vision would get blurry whenever he stood up, he was cold and tired all the time, he wasn’t sleeping well, and now, what scared him out the most, his hair had started to fall out. He noticed it one morning before class, as he ran his fingers through his hair, a clump larger than usual came out out with his fingers. And it didn’t stop either, it wasn’t enough yet to be noticeable, but it would be soon. Besides, it was worth it to lose the weight. He’d lost so much, and he knew that, but 30 pounds wasn’t enough. He wanted to lose more, only then could he stop. 500 calories a day, it sucked, but it was worth it.   
-  
His friends began to notice. Their comments made him happy, but also made his skin crawl at the same time. It started about two months into his new diet. He had previously been wearing exclusively hoodies as it was winter. But as it got warmer, he began to wear t-shirts again. He knew he looked different, but Hongjoong’s reaction when he saw him just proved it. They met up for coffee on a particularly nice day, and when Hongjoong saw him, his mouth dropped.   
“Oh wow, you’ve lost weight.”   
Wooyoung grinned and said, “thanks!” As he turned to order his coffee, he didn’t notice Hongjoong’s harsh stare. It was not meant as a compliment. That comment was the first of many, Yeosang even began calling him “lightweight.” He loved that people were noticing his hard work, however, they also made him feel watched, and he knew that he wasn’t doing it in a healthy way so the comments weren’t exactly deserved.   
-  
It all came to a head with San. They had been studying together at San’s place when he had suggested a break. Wooyoung happily agreed and proceeded to spread out on the couch with his head on San’s lap, he closed his eyes as San began to run his fingers through Wooyoung’s hair. But proceeded to open them again when San stopped and said,  
“Um....Wooyoung?”  
Wooyoung looked up at San confused and then at his hand to where he was holding a clump of hair.   
Fuck. This wasn’t supposed to happen, not tonight, not ever.   
“Wooyoung, what’s going on? Why is your hair coming out like that?”   
Wooyoung began to panic, how was he supposed to explain this away. He knew hair falling out was a symptom of not eating, one of the many he was exhibiting. Exhaustion, passing out, not sleeping well, and now hair falling out. Check to all of them. Yunho had already seen him pass out, and Seonghwa had been asking him about how tired he looked, but San wasn’t supposed to know, he was never supposed to know.   
After a few long seconds Wooyoung spoke up,  
“I’ve just been stressed out, I guess it’s starting to take a toll on me.”   
San pursed his lips,  
“Stressed about what Wooyoung.”   
He didn’t phrase it like a question, it sounded flat.   
“Oh you know, school stuff.” It sounded lame, even to him.  
San stared at him, he looked angry.   
“Cut the crap Wooyoung, I know.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> San tries his best to help. I’m not a writer so I’m not sure if this is even good or not but I’m trying! I hope everyone enjoys it. This is based on personal experience, so if you need help, please reach out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw for eating disorders.

Wooyoung froze  
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”  
San just stared at him as he worked his jaw.  
“Wooyoung, please don’t play dumb with me. You’re hair just came out in my hands, and Yunho told me about you passing out.”   
Panic began to build in Wooyoung’s chest. This couldn’t be happening, Yunho had promised that he wouldn’t tell!   
“Please don’t San, I don’t want to talk about this.”   
He started to get up from the couch but San grabbed his arm, preventing him from escaping.   
“Wooyoung, I know this might make you uncomfortable. But we have to talk about this. I feel like I’m watching you waste away and as someone that’s in love with you, that’s really scary for me.”   
Wooyoung froze.  
“You love me?”  
He watched as San’s eyes widened and then as he quickly composed himself.  
“That’s not the point right now. Your health is more important than my feelings.”   
Wooyoung felt an unsurprising mix of emotions. On one hand, he was elated that San was in love with him. He’d been crushing on his best friend for forever and he had just found out that his feelings were returned. But on the other hand, San knew about his......problem. And that filled him with panic.   
“What if I told you that I had feelings for you too?” Wooyoung retorted, in hopes of getting San to both change the subject and reveal more about his feelings.   
San’s eyes widened once again.  
“Well that would definitely give us more to talk about, but please don’t use that as an excuse not to talk about you starving yourself.”  
Wooyoung flinched, he knew that that’s what he was doing, but hearing it from San’s mouth was terrible. He felt so embarrassed, so ashamed, so out of control.   
“I don’t really know what to say, or where to start,” he shrugged   
San bit his lip  
“Just.... try to explain to me why. You’re so beautiful Wooyoung, you always have been. I don’t understand how you could do this to yourself.”  
Wooyoung looked at the ground “That’s nice of you to say, but it’s not what I feel. I feel so.... disgusting, and my brain tells me that the only way I can fix it is by not eating. Every time I do eat it makes me feel like I’ll gain it all back and that gives me such bad anxiety, it makes me feel like I can’t breathe.”   
San looked at him, devastated. He reached out and touched his arm.  
“Can I please hug you?” He asked   
Wooyoung nodded and San looped his arms around the other boy’s waist, pulling him close. Wooyoung returned the gesture by wrapping his arms around San and burying his face in his neck. Wooyoung didn’t know how long they stayed that way, but he knew he never wanted to leave San’s arms. He felt so safe, and he was finally warm.   
When San finally removed himself from Wooyoung’s arms, he seemed to stop and think for a minute before finally speaking again.   
“I know that just because we’ve admitted our feelings for each other you won’t magically get better. And I know getting better is a choice you have to make for yourself. But will you promise me that you’ll at least go see a counselor at the health center? Please, I’m begging you. I’ve seen the statistics and I’m terrified.”  
Wooyoung felt his anxiety spike once again. He appreciated San being so understanding and not expecting him to just start eating again, but it still felt like an extremely big ask.   
“Please, just let me think about it. I’m feeling a little overwhelmed right now and I just need some time.”  
San’s shoulders slumped but he nodded.  
“I understand, thank you for thinking about it. I have another request though, come cuddle with me?”  
Wooyoung gave him a small smile, and began to pull San towards the bedroom. “I don’t even need to think about that one.”


End file.
